Brian regan is the best comedian
Heres a little excerpt from Brian Regan's act.

I remember my teacher asking me "Brian , what's the I before e rule?"

"um ....I before e........... always."

"What are you an idiot Brian?'

"UuuuhPPARENTLY!"

So she explains it "No it's I before e except after c, and when sounding like a, as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!"

"Thats....oh,.... thats a hard rule"

Plurals were hard too

"Brian, how do you make a word a plural"?

"........................ You put a S, you put a S at the end of it"

"When?"

"............. sigh ............ On weekeeeeeeends and holidaaays.........!"

"No Brian ... Erwin? what is the plural for Ox?'

"OXEN ... the farmer used his oxen."

"Brian?"

"Whaaaahhahahat?"

" .. what is the plural for box?"

".....BOXEN!.....I bought two boxen of doughnuts."

"No, no...lets try another one ..Erwin what is the plural for goose?"

"Geese. I saw a flock, of geese."

"Brian?"

"WHAT?!"

"whats the plural for moose?"

"..............................MOOSEN! ..I SAW A FLOCK OF MOOSEN, THERE WERE MANY OF EM! MANY MUCH MOOSEN! ... out in the woods ... in the woodes .... IN THE WOODSEN! the meese want the food, FOOD IS TO EATENISM ......... THE MEESE WANT THE FOODENIN THE WOODENAISM!"

"BRIAN!.. BRIAN ... your an imbecile."

"............... embecilen!"

"What are you speaking german Brian?"

"German GERMAIN .. GERMANE JACKSON! JACKSON FIVE! TITO!"

"BRIAN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"I don't know ...I don't know really"

I think the worst day was the day the science projects were due. You remember wakin' up that morning? That was fun huh? Your head would pop off your pillow,

"Oh no!.......thats due today.

I had nine months to work on it and I did nothing. All I got's a cardboard box..........A boxen."

And you'd show up, you're scared cause you don't have anything good and you find out all the other kids parents made theirs for them, I hated that. They're backin em in on flatbed trucks. One kid with a volcano, he didn't even know how to zip up his own pants but he built a volcano! I didn't know what to do for my project so i just brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hopin she'd know Im know I'm an idiot and just walk past me, just as long as I was holding something.

"What do you have there Brian?"

"It's a cup a' dirt. Just put a F on there and let me go home."

"Well explain it."

*sigh* "Weeeell,........ its a cuuuuuup...with dirt "IN" it. I call it cup of dirt....you should move on now."

So she went to this one kid that always made the same solar system like ninteen years in a row. Bunch of styrofoam balls held together with coat hangers. Hey you're breakin some new ground there Coepernicus.

He's sayin' "THUH BIG YELLOW ONE IS THUH SUN, THUH YELLOW ONE IS THUH SUN!....

"OK, alright what are these other ones?"

"THUH BIG YELLOW ONE'S THUH SUN!!!!"

My parents got me into little league baseball. I played out in right field.

I never knew what was goin on out in right field, all i knew is that at the end of the game I'd get a free snow cone. I'd be out there...

"Ah free snow cone."

"Brian what's the score?"

"FREE SNOW CONE! Free snow cone at the end...of the game! If you play they're gonna give you a free snow cone...even... if you play half game you get a whole....you don't get a half snow cone .... you get a whole snow cone for half the game.................... THE PEOPLE THAT PLAY A WHOLE GAME GET A WHOLE SNOW CONE AND THE PEOPLE THAT PLAY..... A HALF GAME GET..... A WHOLE SNOW CONE SO ITS ALWAYS WHOLE .... ALWAYS WHOLE SNOW CONE ... SO ... I'D RATHER PLAY HALF GAME. Still get the whole snow cone."

"How many outs Brian?"

"GRAPE" " I'm gonna get GRAPE ...... or CHERRY! Their both favorites. So, either one is good. If they have both I'll get Grape though cause thats a little more favorite. But if they don't have grape it's fine cause ... uh ... thats fine cause cherry's favorite anyway..it's like another favorite but not as much, not as much favorite but they're both good. They're both good...both favorites.

I had to call the phone company when I moved to get my phone turned on. So I call up the guy at the call center and told him I needed service.

"I need you to turn on my phone."

"Well there's gonna be a problem."

"I FIGURED!"

"Well what do you do to turn it on? Do you have to send someone out to turn it on?"

"No we have a button to push now days."

"..........Well, can you push it?"

"No we're gonna push it next Friday."

Saturday, Feb. 07, 2004 11:51 A.M.



I'm hearing : "Should I stay or should I go"...THE CLASH

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