What was prison like? Did anyone make you their bitch?

Well, prison was, you know, it was kind of a pain in the ass. Yo no pun intended. But it was alright. One day they brot in a cople movies to wach, one of them was the Parent Trap...and not that crappy remake, the original one. That was a good day. And naw I was never nobody's bitch in prison. One guy tried something one day but I made a flamethrower out of some dish soap and butane and one of those things they use to blow air on a fire with. What are those called?

Uh bellows? I'm not sure. How did you get one of those in prison?

I just found it lying around. Next question.

Ok, If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?

Hmm. You know thats a hard one. I think I would be ... a chipmunk. Or a Rinas...uh rinuser.... Rhin?....... a hipo

Hmmm. Interesting. Boxers or briefs?

Neither, I go comando if you know what Im sayin'

No I don't.

Never mind.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

sigh ... probably fighting the friggen marsians or something. I'm shur they're communists. Thats about all thats left to that. OH maybe the chines or something. If not that I'll probably get my old job bak at payless shoes. I loooove shoes.

How's the Colonel?

Whats a colonel?

Sorry, the kernel.

Oh! he's ok I gess, Hes a pain in the ass some times. Hes always wanting me to go blow up stuff and risk my nek while he sits bak at the bass drinking diet mountain dew. Sometimes we just go bowling and stuff.

When was the last time you saw him?

We had lunch at Chili's yesterday.

If we intend to hit a target, why is it called a MISSile?

HAHA HAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA! ..... um I don't know really. I tried to call them hittles once but everyone just laffed at me. Until I pulled all their arms off that is.

Who let the dogs out?

What dogs? Did someone let out my dogs? Wait, I had dogs? What kind did I have?

Have you ever gone cow tipping?

No ..... but I used to go cow flipping all the time. That was fun!

How do you flip a cow?

With a big ass spatula.

Oh. What else what else.... Okay, What is the most unusual thing you have used to defend yourself with?

Um, A toothpick once. One time I was being charged by a water bufalo in vietnam and all I had was an Oak tree. I beet him with that. Just enough to drive him away. I tri not to kill animals if I can. Another time I used old 45's of prince and threw them like stars. I can make a wepon out of anything. coke botles, table lamps, cinder blocks. bildings, um what else? Oh, clothes driers. just tie a stick to it .... instant wepon. I beat a guy up with another guy one time. I just grabbed him by his legs and WHAM WHAM WHAM! pounded him into the ground like a tent peg.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

...................................

Hello?

...... im thinking ....... whats a woodchuck? I dont know 3 gallons?

Do you collect anything that is not weapon related?

Wait ..... what was the answer?

I don't ....... I guess 3 gallons sounds right. So, do you collect anything that is not weapon related?

........ Beanie babies. If you laugh I'll smash you with a dishwasher! ........ And spoons,......with states names on em.. you smirkin at me?

Not laughing. Ahem, If you could meet one person, living or dead, who would it be?

Living or dead?

hmmm thats a hard one................... homer simpson.

Thats a cartoon.

You said living or de... oh. well i guess Carl Sagan.

Really? Okay, Most recent book read? Can you read?

Yes I can reed! sigh .... last book i red. hmmm puh puh puh puh Oh! i read the technical manual for my Abrams.

What's that?

A tank.

Do you have any action figures?

I have a lot of GI JOES. The big ones, not those little ones. I got a fort and everything. I play with them when there's nothing on TV.

In your diary you claim to hate ham but love the Moons over my hammy at Denny's, WHY?

Oh yea. That was just an editors mistake. I hate ham and I hate it with eggs too. I'm going to have to grab that guy who wrote my journal down and pull his legs off and beat him to death with them.

What's your favorite finger food?

Fingers. Hey why do they call them fingers anyway? They don't fing.

I don't really ......

Oh wait, there they go.

In a match between you and Rocky Balboa, who would be the victor?

Neither, our names are Rambo and Rocky.

No victor means winner.

......... OOOOOOOH. Well I guess that would be me. I mean he just uses his hands and stuff. I have napalm and hittles and things.

What do you look for in a girl?

Well she has to be able to fight and drive jeeps and things. Big boobs. Biiiiiig ones. Out to here.

lets see. Has to know how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. mmmm.... apparently she has to die a lot. I always fall for the ones nine seconds before they get shot with a torpedo or something.

Have you ever cried during a chick flick?

Steel Magnolias gets me EVERY DAMN TIME. That part where Debra Winger is dying .... kills me. and the kid gets mad at her. I just wanna shout out "BE NICE TO YOUR MOM, SHES GONNA DIE YOU STUPID HEAD!" He never listens to me though.

If John Rambo had his own soundtrack, what songs would be on it?

The theme song to Arthur. Maybe some Fleetwood Mac in there too.

What was it like to live with Monks?

I hated it! always running around eating all the bananas and flinging poop all over my room.....They.....

....What the?.. NO MONKS! Not monkeys. Monks, when you lived with the monks.... remember?

.....Oh moooooonks. Oh, pretty quiet actually. Didn't eat my bananas either

Any obscure tattoos or piercings you would like to tell us about?

I have a butterfly on the right cheek of my ass. It's breathing fire and burning up a battleship on my left cheek.

Where's the beef?

What beef? Hey I didn't take no beef!