Oh NO, not again!
I have nothing to talk about today, Honestly nothing particularly funny, outrageous or stupid happened. Some of the things I post get one of two responses.

1.) That was so funny I couldn't breath.

2.) Are you on crack?

Since I got a diary to spout daily wisdom such as this, I've neglected my regular emailing to my friends. ONE PERSON HAS NOTICED. Only one. Makes me wonder how significant I am. Maybe they miss me, I don't know. Life goes on with or without me.

So, since nothing significant happened today, I used my old standby to come up with something for todays entry. I surfed for something. Given the fact that it seems that most of the diarys I come across on here are by female writers, theres a 99% chance that I'm going to see the phrase " I'm having my period today." at least a fahthousand times a week. Hey, it doesn't bother me, I'm just saying..... theres a fairly good chance thats all. So, heres something for you to read about us men.

Just for the sake of knowing I asked google what the average speed of ejaculation was.

The average speed turned out to be 28 miles per hour. The site also noted that the average speed of a city bus was 25 miles per hour. Yes, it's easier to catch a bus than semen.

If you were wondering.

Of all the jobs in the world that I COULD have, the one I would want the least would be the guy who has to hold that radar gun (henceforth to be known as "a cum clocker.") He must look like he's been to a Gallagher concert.

While I was there it gave some facts known as......

* Penis Facts!!! *

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his

lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from

masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once

a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating

that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2

minutes to 2 weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches (unless it's in another state)

Time it takes the sperm to travel the distance: 2.5 seconds

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.

There must be a lot of babies born nine months after Thanksgiving. Pumpkin Pie? One particular persons diary I read regularly really likes pumpkin flavored things. I wonder what she thinks about this.

This topic somehow lead me to a similar topic that I had never considered. I wish I could attribute a link to this guys site, but google made one that was as long as a whale dork.

"Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics"

DR JOHN'S TOP 10 REASONS WHY SEX AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT IS NOT AN ADVISABLE FORM OF PROCREATION

10. Penile length contraction: According to the relativistic theory of length contraction, this is an inevitable consequence of performing sex at the speed of light. An average penis of length 13cm travelling at 99% the speed of light will contract down to a length of only 1.8cm (this is about the same length as the smallest functional penis officially recorded). At the speed of light, length contraction leads to an interesting paradox in which the penis seems to have no length at all, but is still managing to have sex somehow.

9. Penile black hole formation: At the speed of light, relativity also predicts that the penis will attain infinite mass, essentially becoming a black hole. When its owner realises that his penis has turned into a black hole, he will become profoundly depressed and overcome by a feeling of loss. John Bobbit would understand; but Mr Bobbit had his penis sewn back on, whereas a penis lost to a black hole is a penis lost forever.

8. Penis vaporisation: If the penis is not lost to a black hole, it will be lost to the uncaring force of friction. A penis travelling in and out of a vagina at close to the speed of light will be subjected to enormous resistive forces. Since resistive forces are proportional to speed, this will heat up the penis enormously. The temperature of the resulting internal environment will be so high that the penis molecules will actually undergo a phase transition into a gas, vaporising the penis almost instantaneously.

7. Relativistic flaming semen: In the unlikely event that a vaporised penis can perform ejaculation, then the relativistic semen will create enormous air resistance, burst into flames almost instantaneously, and generate enormous impact forces. These forces will be sufficient to pierce a small hole straight through a woman's lower torso, just like a speeding bullet, only incinerating the surrounding tissue as it passes through.

6. Time-dilated necrophilia: Unfortunately, the woman will probably be dead before ejaculation anyway. According to the relativistic theory of time dilation, then if the man is to actually thrust in and out at a speed infinitesimally close to the speed of light, then from his point of view, his partner will be ageing extremely quickly, and will be long dead before he ejaculates. Legally, he will be committing necrophilia.

5. Lack of visual appeal: Time-dilated necrophilia, flaming relativistic ejaculation and penile black hole formation are all very dramatic, but unfortunately they don't translate well onto the big screen. In reality, relativistic sex would only last for a fraction of a second, and would appear as a sort of muddy greyish white smudge, since the eye merges all images together at such high speeds. This is probably not visually appealing enough to make a porn-at-the-speed-of-light series out of.

4. Religious values: Certain branches of Christianity would view porn-at-the-speed-of-light immoral anyway. It's in the Bible.

3. Property damage: A penis is made up of a collection of charged molecules, and accelerating charged molecules emit radiation. To accelerate charged penis molecules up to the speed of light in a single thrust requires enormous acceleration. This will produce a frequency and intensity of radiation similar to that produced by a small nuclear explosion. It may be worth hiring out a hotel room if you don't want your own room obliterated.

2. Deafening sonic booms: As a penis accelerates up to the speed of light, it will inevitably surpass the sound barrier, producing deafening sonic booms with every inward and outward thrust. If the neighbours haven�t already been woken by your moaning, they will be now. Or then again maybe not, because they will be conveniently deafened and unable to hear you.

1. Excessive dietary requirements: The amount of energy required to accelerate an average person up to 99% the speed of light for a single inward thrust is approximately equal to 16 million billion kilojoules. This is equivalent to the amount of energy gained by consuming 78 trillion weetbix. But 78 trillion wheetbix will increase an average person�s mass by approximately 1.2 trillion kilograms, requiring them to eat even more wheetbix just to accelerate this additional load up to the speed of light. Nine out of ten nutritionists may recommend weetbix, but this is slightly more than the recommended daily intake.

This is officially the longest entry for me to date. And I thought I would have nothing to post today.


This diary is lame. - Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2009
woah - Thursday, Feb. 05, 2009
operation kindness - Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006
more belligerent bees on dogs - Monday, Feb. 20, 2006
teste-moanial - Thursday, Feb. 16, 2006




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