I took a long deep drag off my cigarette, held it for a bit, then exhaled a heavy plume. The smoke curling and clinging around my head like a wino clinging to the bottle of cheap wine he just bought. It was one of those days. You know, the kind that just feel like it's going to be one big bag of suck from the beginning. I chomped down on my last Rolaid, I was going through them like MD 20/20 through a wino. My stomach was killing me, burning and turning like a .......... wino rolling down the stairs .... on fire.
Like I said, this day was blowing like " Debbie does the entire London Philharmonic woodwind section."

Thats when I heard the knock on the door. Instantly I knew who it was. " It's her. What does her want?"
Without waiting for an answer she barged in like a ....wino rolling down a flight of flaming stairs and bursting through the door at the bottom.

I looked at her.
She looked at me.
I looked at the clock.
She looked at the stack of unpaid bills on my desk.
I looked out the window.
She coughed.
I sneezed.

I had all the hope in the world that she wouldn't ask the question I knew she was about to ask.
It was inevitable.
Like the rising of the sun.
Like the surging of the tides.
Like the rolling of the wino.
Anywhere but here. Not here. Not now.
I could already see the words forming on her lips......

" Gerg, I need the receiver for this roll of lamination you ordered so I can make sure it came in. Do you have it? What are you doing staring into space like that? "

or maybe she said...

" Gatorade, is it in you? "

I need a smoke.. I'm starting to hallucinate!

Okay, so I don't have much in me to write so I'm just going to try and write whatever my fever makes me for the next couple of entries.
keep in mind it's the withdrawal symptoms and I'm not nucking futs.
Okay?
Yea, thats what I'll blame it on.

So anyway, my friends and I went to IHOP this past wednesday night to hang out and smoke and drink coffee like we always do. For once ALL of us weren't going to smoke. Paul, the only one who hasn't smoked, decided to sit in the non-smoking section for a change.
Hmm.
It's cleaner.
It's brighter.
The air is sweeter.
The people are .... boringer.
Yesssssssss, this is going to be faboo.

So anyway, have yourself a nice little Easter. My heathen ass will be making a nice ham and some bad ass garlic mashed taters.
..and not smoking.
Double shiiit.

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Here's the ham recipe and degredients.

Ingredients:
� 2kg mild-cure gammon ( or a fresh ham... uncooked that is )
� 1 onion peeled and cut in half
� 2 litre-bottle coke
For the glaze
� handful cloves
� 1 heaped tablespoon black treacle
� 2 teasps English mustard powder
� 2 tablespoons demerara sugar

Instructions:

I find now that mild-cure gammon doesn't need soaking. If you know that you're dealing with a salty piece, then put it in a pan covered with cold water, bring to the boil then tip into a colander in the sink and start from here; otherwise, put the gammon in a pan, skin side down if it fits like that, add the onion then pour over the Coke. Bring to the boil, reduce to a good simmer, put the lid on, though not tightly, and cook for just under 2 1/2 hours. If your joint is larger or smaller work out timing by reckoning on an hour a kilo altogether, remembering that it's going to get a quick blast in the oven later. But do take into account that if the gammon's been in the fridge right up to the moment you cook it, you will have to give a good 15 or so minutes' extra so that the interior is properly cooked. Meanwhile preheat oven to 240C/gas mark 9.

When the ham's had its time (and ham it is now it's cooked, though it's true Americans call it ham from its uncooked state) take it out of the pan and let cool a little for ease of handling. (Indeed you can let it cool completely then finish off the cooking at some later stage if you want). Then remove skin, leaving a thin layer of fat. Score the fat with a sharp knife to make fairly large diamond shapes, and stud each diamond with a clove. Then carefully spread the treacle over the bark-budded skin taking care not to dislodge the cloves. Then gently pat the mustard and sugar onto the sticky fat. Cook, in a foil lined roasting tin for approximately 10 minutes or till the glaze is burnished and bubbly.

Should you want to do the braising stage in advance and then let the ham cool, clove and glaze it and give it 30-40 minutes, from room temperature, at 180C/gas mark 4, turning up the heat towards the end if you think it needs it.

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If you're a vegan or vegetarian, as some of my fine smart readers are, I suppose you could do the same thing with a carrot or something .... I don't know. I apologize if this grosses you out. Or you could make these delectable mother effers instead.

2 - 2 1/2 lbs (900-1350 g) russet or Yukon Gold potatoes,
peeled and quartered
12-16 whole cloves of garlic, peeled
2 Tbs (30 ml) butter, or more to taste
1/2 cup (125 ml) cream or milk, or more to taste
Salt and freshly ground white pepper to taste

Procedure
Boil the potatoes in salted water until tender, about 15 minutes.
Drain and return to the pot.� Keep the pot over very low heat to dry the potatoes for 10 to 15 minutes.� Meanwhile combine the garlic and butter in a small saucepan over low heat and cook until the garlic is tender but not brown, about 15 minutes.� Add the cream and simmer for 10 minutes.� Puree the mixture in an electric blender or food processor.� Put the potatoes through a potato ricer or mash with an electric mixer and stir in the garlic mixture, salt, and white pepper.
Add more cream and/or butter if desired.� Serves 4 to 6.

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EAT!

P.S. Wino .
Sorry, thats just a fucking funny ass word. I guess people who just drink beer are Beeros?