sarcasm and warning labels
I [borrowed] this from seanbaby.com but if he didn't say It first i would have. With the exact same words too!

I've figured out how the world got so uncontrollably sarcastic. It's warning labels. Everything we buy is plastered in directions and warnings so ridiculous that the only people who could benefit from them have no prayer of actually being able to read them. How can you not be sarcastic when the packaging material in your stereo tells you it's not food? There are things the size of a football that are legally obligated to call themselves "CHOKING HAZARDS." It should say,

"GO AHEAD AND TRY TO EAT THIS, MR. BIG MOUTH."

Fact: The only warning on the Billy Bass singing fish is "USE PARENTAL SUPERVISION WHEN CHANGING BATTERIES." Of all the products in the world, this thing needs warnings more than anything. For example, "CAUTION: PRODUCT WILL ROB YOU OF ANY SENSE OF PRIDE." or "WARNING: YOUR PURCHASE OF THIS DEVICE HAS FLAGGED YOU AS AN EXPENDABLE CITIZEN IN THE GOVERNMENT'S DE-POPULATION PROGRAM."

You didn't really think these singing fish were invented to make us laugh did you? We have shitty senses of humor (see record-breaking opening weekend of Scary Movie 3), but we're not actually stupid enough to buy thousands of plastic singing fishes are we? Thats the question our government asked in a ground-breaking sociological experiment where scientists released the Billy Bass to the public. It's arrival to the market coincided with a letter to the military reading,

"Dear military. I know you must a get a lot of mail so thank you for reading this. We are from the other branch of the government that temporarily stopped making toilets that flush themselves to develop singing fish technology. If 2,000,000 of these units are sold. the American public will be officially declared uselessly (perhaps dangerously) stupid, and you can test whatever weapons you want on them.

Thank you again."

You almost can't pick up a product without laughing out loud. A plastic bag will tell you not to put it in an infant's playpen. A bottle of detergent might tell you not to eat it. Who the fuck thought I was going to eat detergent? "Honey, this makes our glasses spot-free, and I bet it tastes great on a cracker!" Do the plastic bag manufacturers picture us standing around a playpen and deciding whether or not to decorate our babies' cribs with plastic bags?

Ridiculous warning labels come from two places: fucking idiots and people pretending to be fucking idiots for the purpose of a lawsuit. If people find out you're intelligent, you're going to have a hard time convincing them that you didn't know it would hurt if you poured hot coffee on yourself. If you say something like that, you better follow it by saying, "UUURBLLLGGGG," blowing spit bubbles, and shitting in your pants. A non-idiot is never going to tell a room full of people that they ate an odor eater because "The box didn't tell me not to." No, if you manage to get to adulthood, chances are you've figured out what products kill you when you eat them, and what's okay to pour on yourself. It's only a matter of years before we won't even be able to watch TV because the screen will be obscured by giant words saying,

"DO NOT RAM HEAD THROUGH. NOT TO BE TAKEN INTERNALLY."

There are other reasons everyone's turning sarcastic. Have you ever had a friend who gives you obvious advice? You'll be over at their house putting their pets in the microwave, and he'll say "Hey, if you need to use my microwave, hit the amount of time you want to cook the thing, and then hit start." You'll probably say say, "Duh" or "No shit, Captain Microwave Handbook," but you shouldn't be mad at your friend. Eighty percent of the people they or you run into need help with things like microwaves and what's okay to rub into your skin. We've been breeding stupid people for generations. they're notoriously fertile [the stupid]. In a few generations, the non-stupid will have been bred to extinction. So don't blame your friend for giving obvious advice. The guy he had over yesterday didn't know how the soap dispenser worked, had to chew it open with his teeth, and knocked himself out because you never told him there was no diving in the bathtub.

This diary is lame. - Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2009
woah - Thursday, Feb. 05, 2009
operation kindness - Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006
more belligerent bees on dogs - Monday, Feb. 20, 2006
teste-moanial - Thursday, Feb. 16, 2006




join and get notified:
email:
Powered by NotifyList.com