Dear nut snorkeler

I don't know why you felt the need to scratch a square in the side of my truck with your key, nor do I know why you felt it helpful to spit on my driver side mirror. I don't know what you think I did, but I wish that you would learn the error of your ways. You need to strive for turning the other cheek. If you think someone has slighted you in any way, you should at the very least leave a note and try to work things out.

Also,

I hope you get gang raped by a herd of cross eyed, encephalitic penguins, catch crabs, and your arms shrink too short for you to scratch.

If you were a food, You'd be a hot ham and prick sandwich, with a bag of ass flavored Funyuns.

Yours truely
The guy who didn't do anything to you

Yea, I'm quitting smoking today if you haven't figured it out yet. With the financial windfall I'm about to receive, I think I'll buy something.
Like a yacht.
With scratch resistant side panels.
And a Harpoon missile.